Life Changes

It’s been a while – over a year in fact – since I last sat down to write something for freedomhopeblog. It’s been something I’ve been meaning to get back to for a long time, and here we are! Hopefully you’ll hear from me again before June 2021…

A lot changes in a year. Like me, I’m sure life looks different for you on 1st June 2020 than it did in 2019. Perhaps the biggest life-changes have been influenced by the COVID-19 pandemic; perhaps the changes in your life are completely unrelated to these ‘strange times’. Whatever way life looks for you at the moment, I’m going to guess that things have changed for you in some way since 1st June 2019.

I remember in the early days of my recovery from Anorexia Nervosa, I thought a lot about ‘this time last year’. Within a 6 month time period, from February 2012 – July 2012, my life changed drastically. I began 2012 as a healthy and happy 13 year old who enjoyed food, enjoyed life and didn’t really know what a calorie or Eating Disorder was. Fast forward half a year. I was now physically and mentally ill, consumed by the thoughts of my Eating Disorder, obsessed with calorie counting; a 14 year old who was miserable, confused and trapped.

I was only trying to eat healthier foods. I was only trying to exercise more. I was only trying to feel happier. My Eating Disorder thoughts hid from me the reality of what was going on. I was obsessed with calorie counting and tried to survive off x calories a day. I was exercising for the sole purpose of burning calories, even though I was constantly tired, dizzy and hungry. I was becoming more and more miserable, yet I thought that my ‘lifestyle changes’ would be good for me. 

They weren’t. Each day that went by was another step further into the Eating Disorder’s prison cell. There wasn’t a way out. While there was still a little part of ‘Naomi’ in there who knew that this wasn’t okay, the Eating Disorder thoughts convinced me that the changes in my eating/exercising were normal. This was just something I had to do and I’d be happier in the long run.

I don’t know if you’re reading this as somebody who has personally experienced an ED, has cared for someone with an ED, knows someone with an ED or has absolutely no experience of EDs in general. Whichever of those categories you fit into, this is relevant…

Eating Disorders are serious mental illnesses with physical consequences. They are not ‘a choice’. They are not a way to seek attention. They are not all about food and weight. They are illnesses. Mental illnesses. They make life miserable and hopeless. Recovery is hard, exhausting, draining, frustrating. But freedom from an Eating Disorder is possible.

I didn’t want help to escape from the Eating Disorder’s traps; I didn’t even realise I was in its traps. But I’ll never not be thankful for the people who helped release me from the grips of my ED. At the time, I thought they were ruining my life; I thought they were interfering and controlling me in a way that was completely unnecessary. However, I eventually realised that the interventions they made were life-saving and absolutely necessary! 

My body was deteriorating physically and mentally. How, in the space of half a year, had life changed so drastically? I remember in October 2012, three months into my recovery journey, I longingly looked back to life-before-ED-treatment. At this point, living life with the ED instead of fighting the ED seemed easier. This is actually something I wrote in October 2012…

“The thoughts keep telling me I was happier in June/start of July time and to just wait a while and I can go back there again. I’m finding it hard not to believe them.”

But I wasn’t ‘happier’ when the ED was in control. I was miserable! Yes, recovery was a very long, very difficult, very up-and-down journey – but something I know now, which I didn’t know then, is that life where I control the ED rather than it controlling me is 100% worth the struggle it took to get here. There were days when freedom from the ED seemed ridiculously impossible and days when ‘letting it win’ seemed like the better option; how thankful I am for the people who helped me to keep going throughout.

I’ve learnt a lot from ED recovery; lessons I learnt at the age of 14 still help me manage difficult situations today. My Eating Disorder took over the majority of my teenage years and the battle was difficult – very difficult. But in a way, I’m thankful for the lessons I learnt during this battle. Life has its ups and downs – that’s inevitable. The thoughts still niggle in my head – but over time I’ve learnt to turn down the ‘thoughts volume control’ and ignore them. Now, I would never wish to go back to June/July 2012. Yes, my ED and I were a ‘team’ at that point – but our ‘teamwork’ was ruining my body and mind.

Life changes. Sometimes the changes are positive ones; sometimes not so positive. At one point I wished to go back to ‘life with my ED’; eight years on I wouldn’t consider it for a moment. Life has moved on. Life still brings its struggles, but I don’t run to my ED for ‘control’; now, I use some of what I learnt during ED recovery to cope with life in a much healthier and more positive way. 

Life changes can be challenging, but an Eating Disorder will never bring you happiness.